just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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