had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
