genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
