Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
