My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
