Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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