I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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