I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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