It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
