Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
