Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
