MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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