what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
