he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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