Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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