Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
17 year olds will be the death of me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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