Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
