my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I think I sprained my soul last night
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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