so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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