I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
