in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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