i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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