those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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