theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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