tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
