The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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