Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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