I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
