in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
you never un-have a 4some
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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