I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
