...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
