I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
