If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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