Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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