Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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