god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
