I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
