I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
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