I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
