You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
