I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
