i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I have tasted many bathrooms
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
