i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i believe in u and ur pee
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
