Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
