There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
