so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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