I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
