I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
