yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
