Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Someone signed my nipple.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
