the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
