just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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