if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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