My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
