I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
