I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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