My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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