woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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