woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
